Day 53: The Ninja Turtles Meet Dr. Who

Let me start off this post by saying I have never seen an episode of Dr. Who. I have some friends who really love Dr. Who and have been trying to convince me and the Mrs. to watch it for a while. I have nothing against Dr. Who and am actually quite interested in watching the series, especially since it's on Netflix streaming now, but I haven't made the time to do it yet.

Apparently a new season (or half-season or something) just started over here in America so I thought, "I wonder what a TMNT/Dr. Who crossover would be like?" Well, since I know a lot about the Ninja Turtles and I know several things about Dr. Who from talking to friends and following nerds on twitter I feel that I am adequately well informed enough to write just such a crossover. Are you ready? I think you are.

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INT. NINJA TURTLE SEWER LAIR - DAY... OR NIGHT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER, THYE'RE UNDERGROUND. LET'S SAY NIGHT.

The TURTLES sit around their table eating a pizza covered in gross toppings. MICHELANGELO is telling a story.

MICHELANGELO

So then this dude says to me, "Hey! What are you doing? That's not a tuba! That's my mother!"

All the TURTLES laugh.

RAPHAEL

Wow. How embarrassing for that guy, huh?

MICHELANGELO

And his mom!

Suddenly a bright flash blinds the turtles and there is a loud crack as the space-time continuum is split, probably.

DONATELLO

Woah! What was that?

The TURTLES notice a blue phone booth or Police Box depending on who you ask standing in the middle of the room.

MICHELANGELO

Umm... guys, did someone redecorate and forget to tell me?

LEONARDO

What is that thing?

The Police Box opens and out jumps DR. WHO and his CUTE RED-HEADED COMPANION!

DR. WHO

Oi! What's this place, then?

CUTE RED-HEADED COMPANION

(holding her nose)

I'm not sure, but it doesn't smell very good does it?

RAPHAEL

Excuse me? This is our home, lady.

DR. WHO

Oh, hello! Didn't see you there. Would you mind telling us where we are? Our time circuits seem to have malfunctioned and sent us to a random point in space/time.

MICHELANGELO

You're in New York. In our home in the sewer.

DONATELLO

Time circuits? Space/time? What are you talking about? Who are you?

DR. WHO

(extending his hand)

Right, sorry. My name is Dr. Who. I'm an alien and I travel through time in the T.A.R.D.I.S. with attractive but strictly platonic companions. We go to various points in the time stream and muck about with events as I see fit.

DONATELLO

Umm... OK. So... why?

DR. WHO

Because I can! What better reason do you need?

LEONARDO

But can't that mess up the time line, or something?

DR. WHO

Meh. Probably. Who cares? I can just jump to any time and place I want so I don't really see how this affects me.

RAPHAEL

You're kind of a jerk.

CUTE RED-HEADED COMPANION nods in agreement.

DONATELLO

What did you call that thing?

DR. WHO

The T.A.R.D.I.S. It stands for Totally Awesome Receptacle for Doing Insane Stuff.

DONATELLO

Alright then. So, how does this thing work exactly?

DR. WHO

Oh, you know, wormholes and time currents and flux capicitors and all that.

DONATELLO

Huh?

DR. WHO

OK, look, I don't know how it works, it just does. Except now it's broken and we're stuck here in this smelly sewer and---OH MY GOD!

LEONARDO

What?!

DR. WHO

Behind you! There's a Weeping Angel! They've found us!

CUTE RED-HEADED COMPANION shrieks with fright

MICHELANGELO

Dude, a what?

DR. WHO

(indicating an angel statue that mysteriously appeared behind the TURTLES)

A Weeping Angel. They're beings that can only attack when no one is looking at them.

MICHELANGELO

Oh, like Boo from Mario Bros?

DR. WHO

Yes, yes, like Boo, but these are really scary!

RAPHAEL

So they don't move if someone's looking at them?

DR. WHO

(voice quivering)

Correct.

RAPHAEL

OK, then.

RAPHAEL walks behind the Weeping Angel statue while everyone watches. He picks up a sledge hammer that was leaning against the wall and smashes the statue to pieces.

RAPHAEL

Problem solved!

The TURTLES high five each other in a congratulatory manner.

CUTE RED-HEADED COMPANION gives another scream of fright and points to a doorway on the left side of the room. A DALEK waits in the doorway.

LEONARDO

What is that thing? A trash can?

DR. WHO

It's a Dalek. One of my most feared enemies. They're bent on only one thing: destruction of all life! It must have followed us here through the rip we left in the space/time continuum!

DONATELLO
What, like that movie Jumper?

DR. WHO
Who do you think stole the idea then went back in time and wrote the book?

DR. WHO indicates himself with two thumbs pointed at his chest. While DR. WHO is talking MICHELANGELO sneaks up behind the DALEK and throws a sheet over it.

DALEK

Beep boop bop beep!

MICHELANGELO tips the DALEK onto it's side.

DALEK
BOOP BEEP BEEP BOOP!


The DALEK begins sparking and smoke floats up from under the sheet as it makes a powering down noise.


DR. WHO
Oh, well... that was easy.


MICHELANGELO
It kinda looked like he'd have trouble getting up if I put him on his back. I know a thing or two about that being a turtle and all.


DR. WHO
Yes, well, thanks.


CUTE RED-HEADED COMPANION pokes DR. WHO in his side to get his attention then hands him a small cylindrical tool with a glowing light at the end.


DR. WHO
Of course! Why didn't I think of this sooner!


LEONARDO
What's that?


DR. WHO
It's my Sonic Screwdriver!


DONATELLO
Your what?


DR. WHO
Sonic Screwdriver. It's an amazing tool that can fix just about anything. Works great on plot hol--I mean technical time-travel stuff.


DR. WHO waves the Sonic Screwdriver like a magic wand at the T.A.R.D.I.S. and it glows slightly and hums or something.


DR. WHO
Well, that's fixed then. Thank you, turtles. We'll just be off now.


DONATELLO
Wait! Can you tell us anything about the future?


DR. WHO
I could, but what does it matter? I'm just going to go mess it up anyway. So long!


DR. WHO and CUTE RED-HEADED COMPANION climb back into the T.A.R.D.I.S. It begins to vibrate and maybe hum a little before it implodes in a flash of light, most likely.


MICHELANGELO
So... anybody want some more pizza?


All the TURTLES laugh and agree as they head back into the kitchen.


FADE TO BLACK


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There it is. I hope you enjoyed my script. I'll be starting a Kickstarter campaign to get production on this episode started real soon.

*I like to give credit where credit is due. This post was partly (but not entirely) inspired by this comic by Kate Beaton.

Day 30: Donatello Builds a Time Machine

**WARNING: This blog may contain spoilers for a movie that came out in 1985. If you haven't seen Back to the Future you have bigger problems than spoilers.**

We're starting to get our "stupid" movies from Netflix. The other night we watched Brüno and Hot Tub Time Machine. If I'm being totally honest I liked Hot Tub Time Machine, because they knew exactly what kind of movie they were making when they decided to call it Hot Tub Time Machine. The movie was summed up perfectly with Craig Robinson's epic delivery of the titular line, "It must be some kind of... hot tub time machine," complete with a deadpan look straight into the camera to punctuate this ridiculous sentence. The message is pretty clear: This movie is as stupid as it sounds and we all know it; don't think too hard about it.

"Essentially," I told my wife, "this is a newer, dirtier retelling of Back to the Future." Even though I really only said it because Back to the Future is one of her favorite movies I feel it's a pretty accurate assessment. The only problem is I had to convince myself not to take it as seriously as I take Back to the Future. Which brings me to one of my favorite plot lines (or miracle plot devices) to discuss and endlessly tear apart: time travel.

Time travel is an interesting concept to consider, even if some scientists are more convinced than ever that it's not possible. Or maybe more interesting is the idea of the consequences of time travel. In Back to the Future Marty comes back to good ol' 1985 to discover his family is rich and successful and that the bully/attempted rapist, Biff, is now little more than a man servant to the McFly's. That sounds great, but to me it's not a happy ending. Marty is now stuck in a different world than the one he left with a different family he has no memories of. My wife says that he will eventual begin to gain those memories as if he lived those experiences, but I think she's wrong and has obviously never traveled back in time. At least I have the support of a Cracked.com article to back me up. What does she have? Female intuition? Yeah, see if that saves you when you're being chased by future-thugs through 2015 on a hoverboard and you decide to take a shortcut across a pond. Cause it won't. You'll be stuck. Dumb.

I won't go into a full philosophical discussion about time travel and it's repercussions on this blog because I could go on for hours and what does that have to do with Ninja Turtles anyway? The point of all this is: Look! I drew Donatello making a time machine, because if anyone can do it he can! In the picture he's working on the Flux Capicitor and getting it ready to install in the vehicle, because that's what makes time travel possible.

I put a lot of thought into what kind of time machine he might build, or more specifically what he might turn into a time machine. Evidence shows that for some reason phone booth-shaped objects are a popular choice for morons (Bill & Ted) and the British (Dr. Who), but I like the vehicle-as-time-machine idea. Traveling through time is a crazy risky business so mobility is smart, but versatility is key. Doc Brown was displaying hubris when he decided to build a time machine out of a DeLorean. While it may look cool it didn't last five minutes in the old west forced to drive on rough terrain and feathered with Native American arrows. Let's face it, today's time traveler can't be bothered with a time machine fueled by cocaine and 80's nostalgia. We need something more practical.

Deciding on a proper time travel vehicle is actually a lot like deciding the best means of transportation in a zombie apocalypse. I had two main thoughts when deciding on a vehicle. My choice was dependent on deciding whether a human (or man-turtle) could travel through time without protection, or whether it was necessary for them to be contained inside something in order to withstand the forces present in a wormhole. If protection from the wormhole elements isn't needed I would have gone with some sort of motocross bike. They're light (compared to cars), extremely versatile and can easily be tuned to quickly reach speeds of 88 miles per hour (just in case). But in the more likely event that we will need some buffer between us and a passage in the space/time continuum I decided the best (and most fun) decision is a Bowler Nemesis. My only real reason for picking this over the long list of other off road vehicles is because I saw Richard Hammond drive a previous generation Bowler off road racing vehicle on an episode of Top Gear and it looked like this thing could handle just about anything. Of course it had to be repainted with an appropriate Donatello color-scheme.

I'm aware that it would be dangerous traveling into the past where fuel may not be readily available and conditions still may not allow for easy movement which is why I would suggest the first trip through time be to the year 2015 where Donatello can have a flight kit upgrade and Mr. Fusion installed.